The HebronitesThe Palestinians tell jokes about the Hebronites in the same way that the English tell jokes about the Welsh, or the French about the Belgians. Here's one that is (apparently) a true story:
There's an old man living on his own in Hebron. His only son has been arrested and is in prison in Israel. The old man desperately wants to plant some potatoes in his garden, but he doesn't have the strength any more and, with his only son in prison, there's no one who can do it for him.
So he writes to his son, saying, "I want to plant some potatoes in our garden, but I don't have the strength to work the soil any more. What should I do, son?"
The son gets the letter in prison and writes back, saying: "Whatever you do, do not go anywhere near the garden - I hid weapons there!"
When the old man gets the letter, he's shocked and doesn't go near his garden. In the meantime, the Israeli army have found out about the letter and, the next morning, the old man wakes up to find hundreds of soldiers in his garden. They dig up every inch of the soil, searching for the weapons - but they don't find any.
Mystified, the old man writes to his son again: "The soldiers came and dug up the garden, but they didn't find any weapons, now what should I do?"
The son writes back: "Now you can plant your potatoes!"
Have you heard the one about the Christian Hebronite who converted to Islam? One day he met a Muslim Imam and the Hebronite said to him: "If you can show me how clever you Muslims are, I will convert to Islam!"
"Okay," said the Imam. "Do you have any children?"
"Yes, I have one child."
"Is it a boy?"
"No," said the Hebronite.
"Then it must be a girl!"
At this the Hebronite bowed down, crying, "Oh Allah! You're powers are truly great! I convert to Islam!"
There was once a Hebronite called Abd Ali who owned a shop in Ramallah. One day he got a visit from the police. They pointed at his shop sign - "Abd Ali and Associates" - and asked, "Who are your 'associates'?"
"Oh, it is just me, it is only the name of my shop, that's all."
The police shouted at him: "That is dishonest!" and then beat him up.
Abd Ali was so humiliated that he left Palestine and went to Saudi Arabia, a very devout and strict nation. This time he was very careful about his shop sign. He called his shop: "Abd Ali, the One and Only."
He was decapitated.
"We're living through a big joke!"(This was not a joke.)
One day in the market a man loses his father... so he buries him.
A boy asks his father for two shekels for a return bus trip to a checkpoint.
"One shekel should be enough," his father says, "you'll be coming home in an ambulance!"
The French President, the US President and the Palestinian President all appear before God. They each approach him in turn, presenting their dearest wishes for their countries.
The American President says, "I wish for those cowardly French to commit troops to the War On Terror."
God replies, "That will never happen in your lifetime."
Next, the French President approaches God and says, "I wish those damned Americans would stop killing for oil!"
God answers, "That will never happen in your lifetime."
Next, the Palestinian President approaches God, very humbly and says, "I only wish for a Palestinian state."
God replies, "Well that will never happen in MY lifetime!"
A dentist from Gaza goes to an international conference on wisdom teeth. A French dentist comes up to him and asks: "How do you extract wisdom teeth in Gaza?"
"Well," the Gazan dentist replies, "first we use a scalpel to make an incision into the neck, then we break the jaw and drill into the gum. Then we get some pliers and pull the tooth out from below."
"My god!" the French dentist exclaims. "Why so complicated?"
"Because in Gaza, you're not allowed to open your mouth!"
Just a Joke!This was told by a giggling school-girl - naughty!
A man rushes home, quick, quick, quick.
Grabs his wife, quick, quick, quick.
Runs to the bedroom, quick, quick, quick.
Switches off the lights, quick, quick, quick.
Makes a tent in the bed, quick, quick, quick.
Says: "Look at my watch - it glows in the dark!"
I got all of these jokes from the excellent short film (No) Laughing Matter that was shown at the Palestine Film Festival in London yesterday. If you ever have a chance to see this film, then do so. You can see a teaser below.
(No) Laughing Matter - teaser